Active waiting

I got a message from a friend the other day asking how I was doing. “You haven’t posted on your website for a while, so I wondered how you were.”

The answer is: Waiting. But as proactively as I can!

At the end of January, I’ll have another endoscopy to see whether the cancer responded to the Rituxan therapy. Then, my oncologist will tell me how I’ve done a few weeks after that (just to drag it out, no hurry you know). If it worked, the result might be two years of maintenance Rituxan treatment once a month so that it doesn’t ever come back (from what I’ve read this is usually the course of action), or something harsher if Rituxan didn’t work.

In the meantime, I’ve been seeing my acupuncturist. The last treatment was long and comprehensive. We did a range of alternative-healing things including meditation and visualization to heal my body, chatting about my mental state to relieve some stress, and needles to help move energy around. I also got a neck and shoulder massage.

(All of this left me feeling like warm, relaxed goo…)

I still don’t know whether it “works” in any way, but then I don’t know if the chemotherapy worked either, so I’m just going to continue doing different stuff in the hopes that eventually something does!

Things that have made me joyous this past month:

  • The warmth and wit of my friends.
  • The constant worried (they hide it well) support from my family.
  • Christmas.
  • Making crafts.
  • Yoga and good nutrition.
  • Journaling again, to record and remember each day and truly appreciate it.
  • Planning for the future!

I’ve still got a few residual issues from chemotherapy that I’m dealing with. My bloodpressure rises suddenly and quickly, giving me migraines…stress headaches…and that lovely “I’m gonna pass out” feeling. Here’s crossing my fingers that it goes away soon, I’m really over having to run away from large family gatherings because there’s too much noise.

Ah well. I didn’t think I’d escape completely unscathed, and as far as side-effects go, this one isn’t so bad!

Why did I post the image of the Tarot Magician, above? I read my cards just now, and they reflected how stuck I feel. However, I went ahead and chose the magician as my significator, because it’s a powerful card and I’m done feeling powerless.

This card represents the prime energy manifest in your life. The Magician: Mastery over word, mind, and matter. The ability to turn ideas into actions, handle problems, and control one’s life. The initiation of new projects, great works, or a new way of life. Eloquent and moving communication. (Source)

So there, 2012! Take that!

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